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Sunday, January 5th, 2003

Time:2:53 am.
Mood: busy.
I've just discovered something new about myself by pointing out this trait in a friend I spoke with this evening. I was put off by this person's notion that he could be annoyed at others for doing the exact same thing he does. I was put off at his accusation of me being messy when he himself is the biggest slob I've met. I was put off that he felt his acknowledgment of his own faults made him somehow better than me, that because he KNEW he was messy, he was somehow less at fault than me for being messy. I am put off that I do the same thing. That I feel, because I can point out my fault, I'm somehow better than someone else with the same bad habit, merely because I'm aware I have a bad habit. It doesn't make me better, in fact, it makes me worse. Worse because I know have the problem, but I'm too damn lazy to fix it. Shame on me.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, November 20th, 2002

Subject:Carrboro North Carolina
Time:10:28 pm.
Mood: determined.
I went to see Appleseed Cast last night at GO! in Carborro, NC. It was totally awesome. They were in this little bar that remdinded me of Zootz but even smaller. There were, maybe, 40 people there. It was sweet. Today I had my second Interview at PS, I am now 99.9999% sure I have the job there. I am quite excited. I took the position with Pac Sun too just in case, but I won't be sad if I have to leave them after a week. I am going to VaBeach this weekend for my niece's birthday and I'm heading back to Maine on the 26th to spend thanksgiving with my fam. Things are looking up.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, November 11th, 2002

Subject:days go by
Time:12:07 am.
I'm in Lynchburg Virginia now. I have been here since Halloween. I surprised Joel by just showing up to his house party. The house is beautiful, it's huge and old. I've had moments of homesickness but they usually pass. I've transfered to the BN down here but they aren't able to give me any hours. I am in pursuit of another job but no luck yet. I'm feeling lonely. Joel can alleviate some of this lonliness, his roomies alleviate a little more, but there is something missing. I need friends. My own friends. Not Joel's friends. Vinnie is dating a girl who seems really cool. The danger of making her a friend is losing her when Vinnie stops seeing her. Also having her as a friend would put stress on the relationship I have with Vinnie. Maybe when I start working I will make some friends. I will try to post more frequently now. Some company is here. Adios.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, October 19th, 2002

Time:12:26 am.
Mood: confused.
I've realized that the things that I'm allowing to be held back by are things that are very easily broken. I'm staying because I love Candice and I'll miss her. Well, Candice has a boyfriend who keeps her pretty busy most of the time, and it seems whenever I need her she's not readily available to me. I'm staying because I love Mike and I'll miss him. I might also have some twinge of emotion that's been recycled from 2 years ago. This is a hopeless relationship and I need to remind myself that. I love Joel, Joel loves me, other than abandon me he's never done anything more than that to hurt me. Mike not only abandoned me, several times, but he's also said cruel things to me. Plus I know that Mike and I would make each other miserable more often than we'd make each other happy. I think it would make Mike happy to be in a relationship with me, and I desperately want to make my friends happy, no matter what it takes, but I can't allow myself to sacrifice my heart. I can't stay in Maine for Candice or Mike because as people grow up it's natural to leave your friends for a lover. Same goes for my family, you can't marry your family, eventually you have to leave the nest. It's silly to stay in Maine for my job, it's not a career, and besides, there is a BN down in Lynchburg. I am staying because of my kind hand to FLO but that's silly too, I've already set up the necessary contacts, when they ship me the albums my sister can distribute them for me. Financially I'm always struggling, so what's the difference if I'm here or there. Sure rent will be a pain in the ass, but I'm on the verge of moving out of here anyway and rent would be worse in this area than there. So with that said, I'm leaving on the first of November. I'm sorry to all those I lead to believe I would be sticking around. I guess I was wrong.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, October 10th, 2002

Subject:Love Is A BattleField
Time:2:15 am.
Mood: guilty.
Getting romantically attached to me is like walking though a mine field.

Blind Folded.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, October 9th, 2002

Subject:I'll dislike you first
Time:2:03 am.
Mood:self destructive.
I chatted with Paul earlier tonight, after we had hung out for 5 hours. In our conversation he asked me if I were looking for a reason to despise him. I think he was just joking, but I thought about it seriously and determined that yes, indeed, I was looking for reasons not to be friends with him. He asked me Why and I didn't have an answer. I joked that I had to make things up because I couldn't find a real reason not to like him, which is true, but after thinking about it for the last little while I've come to a more accurate conclusion. I want to find a reason not to like him before he finds one of many reasons not to like me. Crafty, aren't I? Stupid too. It's my defense mechanism.

He mentioned that he kept a livejournal, too. I just went and checked it out. He likes to make a list of things he desires in a girl. I am the antithesis. Lucky me. Hopefully those are only things he desires in a mate and he'll be a little more lenient with his friends. If not, well.... tonight was fun.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Driving A Hundred Miles An Hour With No Brakes
Time:1:02 am.
Mood: rejuvenated.
This was the worse year at the Fryeburg fair ever. I didn't exactly want to kill myself, but there were times when I hoped for a coma. I did get to spend a good amount of time with my mom, that was nice, although I'm trying to ween her off of me and bonding time works against that. I spent too much money at the fair on stupid junk that I don't need. Ahh well. Frivolous spending makes up for the lack of everything else in my life. I worked the fair again this year. It blew. A perverted 69 year old man informed me that he got a hard-on while having a dream about me. This was my boss for the week. I realize that must be quite an accomplishment at his age, without the aid of viagra that is, but I'm not interested in hearing him brag. I told my dad about it, the way he handled the situation really impressed me. I was proud of my dad. I got a palm reading while I was at the fair. She told me a lot of things about my past and present that were correct and true only to me. She said that I was moving, that it would be good for me, but that I might not stay. She said the next 3 years of my life would be good ones.

I saw Mike yesterday for the first time since last weekend. Last weekend we went to Springfield Mass for SKOOL'D at the Asylum. It was my first time back at that venue for a party in 2 years. I saw Amanda there which was quite a surprise. I also saw Chris, which was a surprise too. And I saw IanEntropy, which was a surprise as well. And even more surprising, Ian came up to me and gave me a big hug. And what was more surprising than that, I kinda liked it. I didn't dislike him for that moment. And, in fact, I think I might still kind of like him. I have forgiven worse people for doing worse things. I will consider Ian a friend again. I wasn't well behaved at that party, though. I need to settle down. I'm too old for kids' games.

I feel myself getting too close to Mike. I need to keep him at arms length for a while. I'm afraid he might be feeling the same way. Us spending too much time together might be dangerous. I don't think our friendship can stand another battle. We are going to go see a movie tomorrow, I think. I ran into Brad today while in Portland and he invited us to come to his place so that he and Mike can spin records. I'm not sure which Mike would rather do.

I had to go pick up my laptop from ValCom today. I feel so dicked up the ass by them. I gave them 75 bucks to turn around and tell me that my computer was broken. I busted into tears in their office. Brad said I should go back and make them refund my money. I hate to cause a scene, but if I got the money back I would give it to Brad to recover the data for me. I should have thought of doing that in the beginning. Dumb Me.

I was randomly messaged last night by a boy who found me on MakeOutClub. He seemed more than interesting online and I thought he would be worth meeting in person. Luck would have it that I was planning a trip to Portland today anyway so we made a plan to meet at BullMoose. I was surprised at how nervous I was when I first met him, I guess it's because it's been so long since I've met anyone off the internet. Or met anyone knew at all, for that matter. I gave him an opportunity to bolt right away, but he stuck around. We went down to a beach for a while and walked my dog. When we came back I gave him another opportunity to bolt, but he didn't. I had so much fun just spending time with him. It was nice to just chat about life in general and not anything specifically. It was especially nice to not have to talk or think about moving. He's smart, funny, cute, considerate... I am actually anxious to hang out with him again. I know I have too many things going on in my life to be making new friends, but tonight really helped me. It didn't point me towards which path I should take or anything, but it helped me lighten up. I don't feel so confused and overwhelmed. I feel challenged all the same, but things don't seem quite so serious. Thanks Paul.

Candice hasn't called me for a while. I'm concerned. I left her a demanding message on the machine today. I hope it convinces her to call me soon. I've missed her.

Time for some rest.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, September 24th, 2002

Subject:Charles In Charge
Time:3:25 am.
Mood: awake.
Actually I've never felt more in charge of my life than I have for the last few days. I took my dreadlocks out, and although I miss them, I am so happy to have my hair back. I just wasn't feeling pretty with them anymore. I was getting ready to go to Philly with Mike and I still had my hair up in a towel. I looked in the mirror and thought that I looked really nice. When I took my hair out of the towel I looked in the mirror again and was shocked at how much my appearance changed. At that moment I realized that my dreads had to go. I am feeling better about moving to Lynchburg, I think I am going to head down shortly after my birthday. I have sent my resumé to a few places in the area and I've talked with the admissions officer at Lynchburg college about enrolling for a few spring courses. I got to hang out with Candice on Saturday by good fortune. My mom told me that she was planning on hitting Denny's so I went over on a whim. Luckily I caught her just before she left and we hung out in the parking lot for a long time chatting. On Sunday she went apple picking with the whole family. We spent the rest of the night just wasting time enjoying each other's company. I got to run craft time at work today. It was so much fun! I also got a review from my boss and she gave me a raise. I accidently fell asleep around 7pm last night and unfortunately woke up around 1am. I'm in the process of trying to fall back asleep. Tomorrow I am going to buy my dashboard ticket. I invited Mike's roomie, Craig, to go along with me and he accepted. I was actually a little shocked. I had a nightmare earlier that my headlights were so dim that I couldn't see the road and because of that I drove off of the Bath bridge, I think it's time to fix my car, it's causing anxiety. I'm going to meet Candice at her work tomororw, I'm so happy about all this time I'm getting to spend with her! I don't know what I will do in Virginia without her. No one can ever replace my girlfriend.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, September 18th, 2002

Subject:one memory overshadowed by another
Time:12:00 am.
Mood: restless.
It seems like I can't dwell on one happy event in my life without another one being crammed down my throat. I'm not complaining about the things I do, I just wish things were spaced out a little. I just get back from Burning Man and I'm forced to think about moving to Virginia. Putting any thought into my decision is difficult with the Fryeburg Fair in a week. Not putting in my notice nows makes me a big pain in the ass later but putting in my notice now means I'm committed. I can't pack for the move until after the fair and I don't even know what I want to bring. It would be most convenient to take everything now and send the rest down with my family in October, but I don't even know if I want to stay there. I called Joel up crying the other night, I'm sad about leaving my family, sad about leaving Candice and Mike. If I don't go to Virginia I feel like I should just throw in the towel on my relationship with Joel, but the thought of that makes me really sad too. I love Joel... I just don't want to live in Lynchburg. I definitely don't want to live there for a year!! Grrr! I just got back from New Jersey yesterday. I went down with Mike to see the premiere of Dead Within directed by Kent Greene. It was really good. On Sunday Mike and I met Jeremy, Andrea, Kent, and Allison in Philly. We got lunch and shopped a bit on south street. I got to meet the rest of Mike's family (mom, step-dad, younger step-bro, sis in law, and niece/nephew). I really enjoyed myself, all but a tiff Mike and I had on the way down. He needs to learn to control his temper. I nearly moved to Philly last fall, I'm considering a move their if things don't work out in Virginia. Or maybe I'll flee the country. Or maybe I will find contentment in Maine. Or maybe.....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, August 13th, 2002

Subject:dust storms in my head
Time:1:24 am.
I'm not even on the playa yet but I'm already experiencing horrible dust storms. They are taking place in my head causing me to not see things clearly and not think clearly. There is so much to be done and the time is slipping away like grains of dust in an hour glass. I walked out of on in tears the other day and I informed them that I would not be coming back. I don't feel as liberated as I thought I would but I am happy I'm our of there. BN is giving me more hours, I love them. I've been cooking up possible dishes for the desert all week. I've come up with a few good recipes. I'm still on the hunt for a few more things. I thought yesterday was Joel's birthday and I called him and sang to him. His birthday is not until the 20th. I've managed to do this to all three of the people who are closest to me. I missed candice's birthday and sang to her late, I freaked out thinking I had missed Mike's birthday when his isn't until the 21st and the last straw is missing my life mate's birthday. I'm so dumb somtimes. I think what I need for my birthday is a calendar. :-D On the way home from work tonight I drove past a flaming log in the middle of the road. I think it's a premonition that burning is inevitably in my future. Oh yes. :-)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, August 3rd, 2002

Subject:I"M GOING HOME!!!
Time:4:11 am.
Mood: ecstatic.
I talked to Joel tonight and he thinks I should put the money towards Burning Man. So it's settled, I purchased our tickets tonight! YAY!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, August 2nd, 2002

Subject:woke up crying
Time:1:44 pm.
I was having a dream last night, I remember flying over a city I recgnized as Seattle, the rest of my dream was spent getting there. I remember being in an all for a dollar store in my shower robe, which I actually took off at one point and walked around nude. I was looking for funky chunky hair dye, but not because I wanted to dye my hair. There was something I needed that funky chunky packaged with their bleach kit that I needed for some project. I remember my brother Warren being there and him trying to give me some advice but his words made no sense to me. That dream was interrupted by my mother waking me up, I started to tell her about my dream of seattle and I started crying, then she started crying, and she sat down on the bed and started rocking me while we both spilled tears on each other. This is when I heard the alarm clock and I woke up sniffling and choking back sobs. My mother isn't here that was just part of my dream, but that sense of yearning remains and I the sadness that brought me to tears a little while ago still lingers. I'm not sure, but this might have to do with Burning Man.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:silly me
Time:2:57 am.
I got home from work at 730 today and went over to Topsham to meet my sister around 9pm. We went to Ricetta's for pizza and then went to ll bean to shop for a gift for her man. We didn't leave until 1 am. On the way home I stopped to call Joel. I told him about my plan to go to Burning Man and he said he would meditate on it over night. I'm planning on calling him tomorrow night to talk more about it. When we got back to my car I couldn't find my keys, suddenly we realized that it was likely I had left them in LL Bean. Sure enough they were there and we had to drive back to Freeport to get them. I just got home and I'm very tired. I have to work tomorrow but not until 5 so atleast I get to sleep in. YAY! I also managed to score the weekend off, lucky me.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, August 1st, 2002

Subject:to journey or not to journey
Time:12:26 am.
Mood: hot.
I didn't end up having to work today, I went down to the beach and spent some time with the family. I have been thinking a lot about burning man, we are only 25 days away. I am considering springing for Joel and I to both go. I figure I can call it his birthday and christmas present, plus I feel like he deserves something from the insurance money since I almost killed him. We can celebrate our life that we almost lost by being more alive that one week than I'm sure we will ever be anywhere else. I just don't know if I should spend the money that way. I could put it towards my bills, but they will always be there, I won't always be able to pick up and go like I am able to now. i think I should just do it. I just need to talk with Joel first, and he hasn't been around. I've been tryin to call him and message him but with no luck. I just need to confirm this with him soon before it's too late to buy plane tickets. I have to work tomorrow. I think I am going to go full time with BN and tell ON to go fuck themselves. I'm pretty sure that's what I'm going to do.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, July 28th, 2002

Subject:crying in the gap
Time:7:55 pm.
Friday was a long day. 10am til 430 at ON - I got my fifteen too early and I got my half too late. I didn't even get a chance to have lunch on my half. At 5 I had to be at BN until midnight. When I got to work I took my badge out of my bad and it was covered in candy. My Reece's Pieces spilled in my bad and melted all over anything. After work I went down to the beach. Saturday my sister and I went shopping. We went to Freeport first. I found a few cute things at the GAP but they wouldn't take my employee card because I didn't have my most current sticker. I was a little bummed out but the girl said she would hold them for me for 24 hours. After freeport we went to the Maine Mall. I needed a break so I went off on my own for a bit. I ran into Brad. He went outside with me and chilled for a half hour. We got back to the beach just short of midnight. I was pretty tired and not much feeling like doing anything other than reading and going to bed, but Gus (Andy) and his littler brother, Jon, annual popham goers from Mass, came to my camper and requested my presence down at a camp fire. I went down with two beers, promising to leave when I finished the second. I had so much fun chatting with Andy, and he kept teling me how happy he was that I was there. That it was his best night so far. I ended up going back for two more beers. We chilled on the beach til 5am, and I had to be up at 9 for work. Andy came back to my camp to give me his email address and I hugged him goodbye. He held on to me extra long and when i pulled away he held me in front of him about to kiss me. I ducked my head and nuzzled it to his chest saying I had to go. Not that I wouldn't have minded kissing Gus, it just wouldn't be worth the complications in the long run. I was woken up at 930 this morning. Later than I had expected. I argued my way out of the campground. Frustrated by the attitudes and all the campers making me move my car around. Finally on my way I had no cigarettes. I stopped at the dunkin donuts and drive thru store in Bath. I tried to give my order and the woman yelled at me because she couldn't here me. Finally I just pulled to the window. I got my order and went to the store window. I asked the girl for a pack of cigarettes and handed her my id and my credit card thinking I would be fast. She came back a few seconds later with an attitude saying, 'next time you need to use your credit card come into the store please, we're too busy for this' I said, 'I thought it would be quicker' she said, 'it's not' When I went to pull out of the parking lot i hit a bump and my coffee spilled all over me. As soon as I got to work I asked if they would cut my hours first if hours needed to be cut. They let me out at quarter of 4. I went to BN to get some soup and coffee. After i went to freeport to pick up my hold, but they had lost it. I waited around for a half hour while they tried to locate it. Finally we started trying to replace the items that were lost. I didn't get a couple of the shirts and I had to settle with a couple of things in the wrong size. The girl rings me up and charges me, the manager comes over and informs her she did it wrong and makes her void it and ring it again. Then she says she did it wrong again, she makes her void it and ring it again. I was so frustrated at this point that I just started to cry. Finally I got the situation under control and I left the store. I decided not to go back to the beach tonight, I need some me time and a good nights sleep. I don't have to work until 5pm tomorrow so I'm hoping for happier events. I tried to call Joel tonight as i think the reason i am so emotional right now is because I miss him so much but the phone was busy. I jumped online but I think it's one of the roomies using the computer and not him. Ryan messaged me though, and I'm happy. We're talking about old times and it's making me feel a lot better. We were reminiscing about the time we put our bathing suits on and took a bath together with candles singing liz phair and smoking newports. We were both in our late teens at the time. We're crazy kids when we get together, I miss him too much. I was cheated out of my last visit with him. Maybe I'll just have to go down and visit him.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, July 24th, 2002

Time:6:35 pm.
I woke up early yesterday and played down on the beach with the family. My sister and I took a walk together and chatted about our love lives. When we came back my oldest niece asked me if it would be OK if she and I had some alone time that day. I told her she could go down with me when I called in to see if I had to work and that we could get ice cream after. I didn't end up having to work so we took our icecream to fort popham and ate it on one of the picnic tables overlooking the bay. After eating we explored the forts and the surrounding area. When we were almost tired we took out my art supplies and went up on the hill to do some sketching. She told me she liked to write songs and she sang a few of hers to me. She asked me if I wrote songs and I sang a few of mine to her. Her favorite was the one I wrote for Joel the other day, "what you're not saying". She asked if I ever needed the part of an 8 year old girl in one of my songs if I would choose her, and I said, yes. When we got back to the camp I had a drink with my mom and my sister and then my sister and I got done to business. My hair is now in dreads. I like it a lot. I've gotten a lot of compliments on it today from people who don't even know me. I'm happy.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:table for 1
Time:1:24 am.
I was slightly productive today. I watched special features to Amelie and went to Augusta early so that I could do some laundry. My mother has a washer and dryer but I would rather pay a couple bucks to not have to contend with the spiders who have moved in while the family is gone on vacation. I bought beeswax and a metal comb so that my sister can dread my hair tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited. On my lunch break today i did something I have never done before. I went to Olive Garden and got a table for myself. It was an interesting experience. I was regarded with curiosity, and I think I will try it again, maybe at a more elegant restaurant. The brother of the girl from Home Depot has email me twice and I have responded to both. I'm heading to the beach tonight as it is a possibility I might get tomorrow off. I hope I do. I've thought about Joel all day, I wrote a song to him on the way home. I was hoping he would be online tonight but he's not. Maybe I will call him tomorrow. I think I will.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, July 23rd, 2002

Subject:I have a talent
Time:2:03 am.
half of the time when i buy a coffee at a gas station the clerk says, "it's on the house!" Lucky Me.

I could go to burning man for $500 bucks.... A grande would get Joel and I both out to the desert. I have 2 grande in the bank right now from the car accident.... hmmmmmmm.....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, July 22nd, 2002

Subject:Dear Joel - I'm not sending this letter.
Time:12:22 am.
Why is it that I need you most when you're not here?

Why is there silence when we talk when I have so many things I'd like to say to you?

Why is it that when I go to say something important I have no voice?

Why are we so far apart when we are so good together?

Why can't you tell me that you need me and that you want me there?


I wrote a song the other day for you. I don't know if it's really about you or me, but you're the inspiration.

Are you speaking English?
Or some foreign language?

I need a word translator
Or a mediator

I just can't understand
What you are trying to say to me.

What are you trying to say to me?
Say it now while I'm listening.
What are you trying to say to me?
Say it now while I'm listening.

You're not speaking clearly.
You are just mumbling.

You're not enunciating
Or I'm not understanding.

I just can't figure out
What you are trying to say to me.

What are you trying to say to me?
Say it now while I'm listening.
What are you trying to say to me?
Say it now while I'm listening.

You're not saying - anything
But you're lips are - quivering
And I see the - words forming
In Your Eyes
In Your Eyes

What are you trying to say to me?
What are you trying to say to me?

Just Say It!
If You Think You Feel It
Just Say It!
If You Really Mean It.

What are you trying to say to me?
Say it now while I'm listening.
What are you trying to say to me?
Say it now while I'm listening.

I'm sick of missing you Joel. I hate the way I feel. After not talking to you for a while I start to focus on the mundane and somewhat forget about the pain of missing you. Speaking with you is the single most joyous feeling in the world but once that happiness wears off I'm left with deep sadness that carries with me for the next few days. Pain and anger, this deep depression that I don't know how to deal with. I'm rendered socially inept, and I have to seek refuge in solitude. You are like extacy to me. When the high is on, I'm happy and content with everything in my life, but the next day I feel fried and wasted, angry at the world. I don't want these ups and downs, I want to be happy everyday, and the only way I can achieve that is by being with you. Don't you know how important you are to me? I would do anything to have you in my life. Why won't you let me do something? I would sacrifice everything I have and anything I could attain to fall asleep looking at your shadow and to wake up looking in your eyes, to everyday trace the form of your face with my fingers and to always know that I'll see you soon. March is not soon and October is not soon enough. Tomorrow is to far away. I need you now.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, July 21st, 2002

Subject:no sleep makes for a bad day
Time:11:25 pm.
I woke up at 8 this morning. Tried calling work a couple of times to see if they needed me at 10 but there was no answer. I decided to quickly wash and dress and lay back down until 9 when I could call and speak to a manager. I didn't hear the alarm and I didn't wake up until 10. I called and my manager said that she had been waiting for my call and that she needed me to come in immediately. I was so exhausted all day. I dragged myself around the store. Right before my lunch break Candice and Foxxxy came into the store. I chatted with her for a few minutes on my lunch break, ecstatic to see her again. On my lunch break Candice and I went over to Pac Sun to see Mike. I had bought him a Star Wars book mark last week and every time I went into Pac Sun he wasn't there. I gave him the book mark and found out that I had missed Darcy's wedding yesterday, but he did too so I don't have to feel quite so bad. I also have the excuse that she never gave me a formal invitation.

After work I came home and lounged for a while. I took the opportunity to pleasure myself while I had the house alone, it's been a good long while and it was well received. I looked at travel packages to Maui online, dreaming of warm weather, soft sands, and clear waters. I'm not going to Maui though. I decided to order out chinese food and I broke out my special asian cuisine dining set. I popped Amelie into the player and enjoyed life for 2 hours. After watching Amelie I decided i would write in my journal before going to bed, I saw Mike online and I messaged him, telling him how satisfied I was. Contentment is something I haven't really felt since the start of June. Mike then made a comment about not recognizing candice. I said that it was ok, but that I thought he was kidding at first. He then said something about her giving him a look like she wanted to kill him. I said, yeah well, she doesn't like you much. He then got into his whole 'poor mike' thing. Saying that she was yet another member of the I Hate Mike Club. I tried to make light by saying that she and I were the founding members, but that I resigned. He then went on to bash Candice and I went to her defense. He was so hung up on her not liking him that it seemed unimportant that I still did. This hurt me and I told him that he was upsetting me, even though i didn't tell him why. He continued to do his "poor mike" routine and all the while I was reminded of our past. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became until I was in tears. Finally he said, "why don't you go call candice and tell her that I'm being mean to you" I said Fuck You and quit AIM. I took some time to myself. I sat outside, I made my bed, I snuggled my Kitty, Todd, and played games with him while fixing my bed clothes. I listened to some music and when I felt calm I signed back online to write in my journal and go to bed. When I got online, Mike messaged me, this time I kept our conversation.

MIKE: jeeze, you gonna be ok
JungleJess: yuh
MIKE: sorry
JungleJess: thanks
JungleJess: you know
MIKE: but i was just telling you how i felt
MIKE: damn
JungleJess: I devend you to her as much I as I defend her to you
MIKE: next time i'll keep it to myself
JungleJess: I'm glad you told me how you felt, but you went beyond that
MIKE: *sigh*
JungleJess: you hurt me as badly as she hurt you today
JungleJess: that's not fair to me
JungleJess: Yes she is the person I cried to every time you hurt me
JungleJess: but now that I've let go of that I tell her about how different you are now
JungleJess: what hurt me especially bad as that you seemed so familiar just now - and I was afraid that I had made another mistake
MIKE: familiar?
JungleJess: I can't apologize for her attitude today, I didn't even realize that she was doing anything
JungleJess: my attention was on you
MIKE: i don't like the sound of that
JungleJess: and I was really excited to give you the little prize I picked up
JungleJess: cuz I've been a week trying to deliver that
JungleJess: she was going into the store any to find her boyfriend
JungleJess: yeah, I don't like the sound of that either
MIKE: like "the bad maike"?
MIKE: mike*
JungleJess: the hurtful mike
JungleJess: the careless mike, actually, cuz I know none of it is intentional
JungleJess: but lately you have seemed more careful with me
JungleJess: except for tonight
JungleJess: but anyway, regardless of the nature of your's and her's relationship, you shouldn't take jabs at me for it, or be upset with me for defending my bestfriend
JungleJess: if I trashed on Jeremy I'm sure you would defend him to me
MIKE: but this is the key
MIKE: jeremy wouldn't come into your work
JungleJess: mike
MIKE: shoot you dirty looks
MIKE: and whatnot
JungleJess: it's pac sun, anyone, friend or foe, can go in there and look at you however they want
MIKE: yeah whatever
JungleJess: a dozen people a day give me nasty attitudes
MIKE: this is getting boring
JungleJess: see what I mean
MIKE: your gonna keep your position no matter what
MIKE: and i'm not gonna back down
MIKE: so just drop it
JungleJess: fine
MIKE: i guess this is where you and i differ
JungleJess: I guess there are a lot of ways
MIKE: if i get pissed at you, or if we're not talking to each other.... i don't tell my friends about it
MIKE: i keep it to myself
JungleJess: and I need to talk to people - my sister and my candice - my confidents
JungleJess: I talk to you too
JungleJess: I'm really hurting inside right now Mike
MIKE: jesus
JungleJess: I don't want to continue this conversation
MIKE: it's not that bad
JungleJess: yeah you're right
MIKE: it's not like i called her a "fucking bitch" or anything
JungleJess: you would know how I feel better than I would
MIKE: i just called her on her attitude
MIKE: damn
MIKE: let it go
JungleJess: I don't care about that
JungleJess: you can friggen hate her and I won't hate you
JungleJess: I am not mad at her because she doesn't like you
JungleJess: I just don't like to hear it, and I'm going to defend the both of you to each other until i run out of breath
JungleJess: why?
JungleJess: because I care about the both of you
JungleJess: but there is a difference
JungleJess: candice will settle with, fine, I have my opinions of him, but it's not your fault
JungleJess: you on the other hand get upset with me for defending her
MIKE: did we have the same covo?
MIKE: convo*
MIKE: because i didn't get upset
JungleJess: well that's how it came across
MIKE: heh
JungleJess: and explain the "go call candice and tell her I'm being mean to you" comment?
MIKE: that was what we call "a zing"
JungleJess: well it hurt
MIKE: it shouldn't of
MIKE: and your the one that said "fuck you"
MIKE: nice way to hash things out
JungleJess: yeah
JungleJess: I apologize for saying fuck you, but that was my reaction to your zing
MIKE: "with friends like you, who needs friends" - Dirk from Rushmore
JungleJess: both were uncalled for
JungleJess: what's that supposed to mean?
MIKE: just quoting a movie
MIKE: relax
MIKE: did you take your hpt-5 today?
JungleJess: ?
JungleJess: I just don't understand you
MIKE: meaning?
JungleJess: I don't understand
JungleJess: we are back where we started
MIKE: what?
MIKE: your getting over dramatic
MIKE: this is getting out of hand
MIKE: christ, i'm sorry i said anything today
JungleJess: you got the reaction you wanted mike
MIKE: oh?
JungleJess: why do I defend candice?
MIKE: reading my mind again?
JungleJess: cuz candice has never made me cry like this
MIKE: yeah,i'm a bastard
JungleJess: she would never deliberately hurt me or cut me down
JungleJess: have you been drinking?
MIKE: i cut you down?
MIKE: no not drinking
JungleJess: then what?
MIKE: pissed off
MIKE: fuck this
JungleJess: at me?
MIKE: i didn't cut you down
MIKE: i didn't try to hurt you
MIKE: i just asked you about your friend
MIKE: sorry for asking
MIKE: i take it all back
JungleJess: re read this conversation and see if there is anything you said that was particularly nice
MIKE: i'm a fucking bastard
MIKE: i sdhould go to hell
MIKE: yada yada yada
JungleJess: when we left pac sun I told candice how ecstatic I was to have you back in my life
MIKE: i can believe that your acting like this
MIKE: this must run deeper than what i said about her
MIKE: because, i don't see it
MIKE: i just want you to know
MIKE: your making this a lot worse than it should be
JungleJess: I know
MIKE: i asked you to drop it
JungleJess: of course it's entirely my fault
MIKE: now i'm pissed
JungleJess: I did drop it
MIKE: *sigh*
MIKE: well, i need to get going.... i got to run over some deer, pour sugar in my neighbors gas tank, and knock over a 7-11
MIKE: say hello to the bad guy
JungleJess: I hate that you make me feel guilty for feeling sad
MIKE: i hate that you make me out like the worst person on earth
JungleJess: It's not my fault I'm sensitive and overemotional
JungleJess: I don't
MIKE: because i'm not that bad of a person
MIKE: you do
JungleJess: how do I?
MIKE: cuz candice has never made me cry like this
JungleJess: that's truth mike
JungleJess: I'm balling my eyes out
MIKE: bullshit
JungleJess: bullshit?
JungleJess: I'm liar too
MIKE: like you didn't give me a long story about "candice and her boydfriend"
JungleJess: I did
JungleJess: I miss her
MIKE: ok
JungleJess: but that's a different kind of hurt
MIKE: i give up
JungleJess: that's selfish of me to be upset over that, it would be the same if you got a new girlfriend and i didn't get to hang out with you as much
JungleJess: it's not disrespect
JungleJess: I really think that you and I are just very incompatible
JungleJess: I hurt you without realizing I'm doing so, and the reverse
MIKE: yeah?
JungleJess: yeah
MIKE: so, you don't want to be friends again?
JungleJess: and I'm sorry if I've hurt you tonight
JungleJess: no, I want to be friends
JungleJess: unless you are trying to drive me away.. is that it?
MIKE: nope
JungleJess: ok
MIKE: just trying to understand what happened tonite
MIKE: this is stupid
JungleJess: I'll admit I got upset too soon
MIKE: i make a comment, and you start crying
JungleJess: but I'm very emotional about our past - and thinking about it made me sad
MIKE: god, i'd hate to think what happend if i said something worse
JungleJess: it would just be more of the same
MIKE: i better start being nice, or i'm gonna get anthrax in my mail
JungleJess: and why would you say anything worse?
JungleJess: see
MIKE: it was a joke
MIKE: godarn
JungleJess: but it's only funny to you
MIKE: nooooooooo
JungleJess: you can't use me as the punch line and expect me to find it humorous
MIKE: you'd think it was funny
MIKE: if you took a step back
JungleJess: I've already taken several
MIKE: your fired
MIKE: did you call me a liar?
MIKE: no, i said your fired
MIKE: oh, thats much worse
JungleJess: that's worse
JungleJess: thanks
JungleJess: now that I find funny
MIKE: well, i need shut eye
JungleJess: yeah me too
MIKE: it was a hoot talking to you tonite
JungleJess: Funny how happy I was at the start
JungleJess: goodnight
MIKE: yeah
MIKE: watch out for snakes
JungleJess: is that a threat, or are you offering?
MIKE: um
MIKE: huh?
MIKE: it's a quote
JungleJess: oh
MIKE: heh
MIKE: drink some wine
MIKE: relax
MIKE: ans get some sleep
JungleJess: I'm exhausted
MIKE: your stressing me out
JungleJess: oh, I'm sorry
MIKE: talk to you later
JungleJess: yeah
MIKE: g'night

*sigh* I don't even know what to think about this. I could use advise on what to do next. Do I forget this and try again? Or have I tried enough? I think my plan is to maintain friends, but not hang out with him anymore. I think I might hold off until next year to start school, I think I might make Joel give me a serious answer on moving to Virginia, and if the answer's no, then run away from my problems again. Maybe go back to the west side. Though I know I will never be truly happy without someone who loves me, appreciates me, and understands me. Joel is the only one I've found and I want to be with him. He brings out the best in me. Congratulations, Mike, tied with my mother, you bring out the worse.
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