I woke up at 8 this morning. Tried calling work a couple of times to see if they needed me at 10 but there was no answer. I decided to quickly wash and dress and lay back down until 9 when I could call and speak to a manager. I didn't hear the alarm and I didn't wake up until 10. I called and my manager said that she had been waiting for my call and that she needed me to come in immediately. I was so exhausted all day. I dragged myself around the store. Right before my lunch break Candice and Foxxxy came into the store. I chatted with her for a few minutes on my lunch break, ecstatic to see her again. On my lunch break Candice and I went over to Pac Sun to see Mike. I had bought him a Star Wars book mark last week and every time I went into Pac Sun he wasn't there. I gave him the book mark and found out that I had missed Darcy's wedding yesterday, but he did too so I don't have to feel quite so bad. I also have the excuse that she never gave me a formal invitation.
After work I came home and lounged for a while. I took the opportunity to pleasure myself while I had the house alone, it's been a good long while and it was well received. I looked at travel packages to Maui online, dreaming of warm weather, soft sands, and clear waters. I'm not going to Maui though. I decided to order out chinese food and I broke out my special asian cuisine dining set. I popped Amelie into the player and enjoyed life for 2 hours. After watching Amelie I decided i would write in my journal before going to bed, I saw Mike online and I messaged him, telling him how satisfied I was. Contentment is something I haven't really felt since the start of June. Mike then made a comment about not recognizing candice. I said that it was ok, but that I thought he was kidding at first. He then said something about her giving him a look like she wanted to kill him. I said, yeah well, she doesn't like you much. He then got into his whole 'poor mike' thing. Saying that she was yet another member of the I Hate Mike Club. I tried to make light by saying that she and I were the founding members, but that I resigned. He then went on to bash Candice and I went to her defense. He was so hung up on her not liking him that it seemed unimportant that I still did. This hurt me and I told him that he was upsetting me, even though i didn't tell him why. He continued to do his "poor mike" routine and all the while I was reminded of our past. The more I thought about it, the more upset I became until I was in tears. Finally he said, "why don't you go call candice and tell her that I'm being mean to you" I said Fuck You and quit AIM. I took some time to myself. I sat outside, I made my bed, I snuggled my Kitty, Todd, and played games with him while fixing my bed clothes. I listened to some music and when I felt calm I signed back online to write in my journal and go to bed. When I got online, Mike messaged me, this time I kept our conversation.
MIKE: jeeze, you gonna be ok
JungleJess: you know
MIKE: but i was just telling you how i felt
JungleJess: I devend you to her as much I as I defend her to you
MIKE: next time i'll keep it to myself
JungleJess: I'm glad you told me how you felt, but you went beyond that
JungleJess: you hurt me as badly as she hurt you today
JungleJess: that's not fair to me
JungleJess: Yes she is the person I cried to every time you hurt me
JungleJess: but now that I've let go of that I tell her about how different you are now
JungleJess: what hurt me especially bad as that you seemed so familiar just now - and I was afraid that I had made another mistake
JungleJess: I can't apologize for her attitude today, I didn't even realize that she was doing anything
JungleJess: my attention was on you
MIKE: i don't like the sound of that
JungleJess: and I was really excited to give you the little prize I picked up
JungleJess: cuz I've been a week trying to deliver that
JungleJess: she was going into the store any to find her boyfriend
JungleJess: yeah, I don't like the sound of that either
MIKE: like "the bad maike"?
JungleJess: the hurtful mike
JungleJess: the careless mike, actually, cuz I know none of it is intentional
JungleJess: but lately you have seemed more careful with me
JungleJess: except for tonight
JungleJess: but anyway, regardless of the nature of your's and her's relationship, you shouldn't take jabs at me for it, or be upset with me for defending my bestfriend
JungleJess: if I trashed on Jeremy I'm sure you would defend him to me
MIKE: but this is the key
MIKE: jeremy wouldn't come into your work
MIKE: shoot you dirty looks
MIKE: and whatnot
JungleJess: it's pac sun, anyone, friend or foe, can go in there and look at you however they want
MIKE: yeah whatever
JungleJess: a dozen people a day give me nasty attitudes
MIKE: this is getting boring
JungleJess: see what I mean
MIKE: your gonna keep your position no matter what
MIKE: and i'm not gonna back down
MIKE: so just drop it
MIKE: i guess this is where you and i differ
JungleJess: I guess there are a lot of ways
MIKE: if i get pissed at you, or if we're not talking to each other.... i don't tell my friends about it
MIKE: i keep it to myself
JungleJess: and I need to talk to people - my sister and my candice - my confidents
JungleJess: I talk to you too
JungleJess: I'm really hurting inside right now Mike
JungleJess: I don't want to continue this conversation
MIKE: it's not that bad
JungleJess: yeah you're right
MIKE: it's not like i called her a "fucking bitch" or anything
JungleJess: you would know how I feel better than I would
MIKE: i just called her on her attitude
MIKE: let it go
JungleJess: I don't care about that
JungleJess: you can friggen hate her and I won't hate you
JungleJess: I am not mad at her because she doesn't like you
JungleJess: I just don't like to hear it, and I'm going to defend the both of you to each other until i run out of breath
JungleJess: because I care about the both of you
JungleJess: but there is a difference
JungleJess: candice will settle with, fine, I have my opinions of him, but it's not your fault
JungleJess: you on the other hand get upset with me for defending her
MIKE: did we have the same covo?
MIKE: because i didn't get upset
JungleJess: well that's how it came across
JungleJess: and explain the "go call candice and tell her I'm being mean to you" comment?
MIKE: that was what we call "a zing"
JungleJess: well it hurt
MIKE: it shouldn't of
MIKE: and your the one that said "fuck you"
MIKE: nice way to hash things out
JungleJess: I apologize for saying fuck you, but that was my reaction to your zing
MIKE: "with friends like you, who needs friends" - Dirk from Rushmore
JungleJess: both were uncalled for
JungleJess: what's that supposed to mean?
MIKE: just quoting a movie
MIKE: did you take your hpt-5 today?
JungleJess: I just don't understand you
JungleJess: I don't understand
JungleJess: we are back where we started
MIKE: your getting over dramatic
MIKE: this is getting out of hand
MIKE: christ, i'm sorry i said anything today
JungleJess: you got the reaction you wanted mike
JungleJess: why do I defend candice?
MIKE: reading my mind again?
JungleJess: cuz candice has never made me cry like this
MIKE: yeah,i'm a bastard
JungleJess: she would never deliberately hurt me or cut me down
JungleJess: have you been drinking?
MIKE: i cut you down?
MIKE: no not drinking
JungleJess: then what?
MIKE: pissed off
MIKE: fuck this
JungleJess: at me?
MIKE: i didn't cut you down
MIKE: i didn't try to hurt you
MIKE: i just asked you about your friend
MIKE: sorry for asking
MIKE: i take it all back
JungleJess: re read this conversation and see if there is anything you said that was particularly nice
MIKE: i'm a fucking bastard
MIKE: i sdhould go to hell
MIKE: yada yada yada
JungleJess: when we left pac sun I told candice how ecstatic I was to have you back in my life
MIKE: i can believe that your acting like this
MIKE: this must run deeper than what i said about her
MIKE: because, i don't see it
MIKE: i just want you to know
MIKE: your making this a lot worse than it should be
JungleJess: I know
MIKE: i asked you to drop it
JungleJess: of course it's entirely my fault
MIKE: now i'm pissed
JungleJess: I did drop it
MIKE: well, i need to get going.... i got to run over some deer, pour sugar in my neighbors gas tank, and knock over a 7-11
MIKE: say hello to the bad guy
JungleJess: I hate that you make me feel guilty for feeling sad
MIKE: i hate that you make me out like the worst person on earth
JungleJess: It's not my fault I'm sensitive and overemotional
JungleJess: I don't
MIKE: because i'm not that bad of a person
MIKE: you do
JungleJess: how do I?
MIKE: cuz candice has never made me cry like this
JungleJess: that's truth mike
JungleJess: I'm balling my eyes out
JungleJess: I'm liar too
MIKE: like you didn't give me a long story about "candice and her boydfriend"
JungleJess: I did
JungleJess: I miss her
JungleJess: but that's a different kind of hurt
MIKE: i give up
JungleJess: that's selfish of me to be upset over that, it would be the same if you got a new girlfriend and i didn't get to hang out with you as much
JungleJess: it's not disrespect
JungleJess: I really think that you and I are just very incompatible
JungleJess: I hurt you without realizing I'm doing so, and the reverse
MIKE: so, you don't want to be friends again?
JungleJess: and I'm sorry if I've hurt you tonight
JungleJess: no, I want to be friends
JungleJess: unless you are trying to drive me away.. is that it?
MIKE: just trying to understand what happened tonite
MIKE: this is stupid
JungleJess: I'll admit I got upset too soon
MIKE: i make a comment, and you start crying
JungleJess: but I'm very emotional about our past - and thinking about it made me sad
MIKE: god, i'd hate to think what happend if i said something worse
JungleJess: it would just be more of the same
MIKE: i better start being nice, or i'm gonna get anthrax in my mail
JungleJess: and why would you say anything worse?
MIKE: it was a joke
JungleJess: but it's only funny to you
JungleJess: you can't use me as the punch line and expect me to find it humorous
MIKE: you'd think it was funny
MIKE: if you took a step back
JungleJess: I've already taken several
MIKE: your fired
MIKE: did you call me a liar?
MIKE: no, i said your fired
MIKE: oh, thats much worse
JungleJess: that's worse
JungleJess: now that I find funny
MIKE: well, i need shut eye
JungleJess: yeah me too
MIKE: it was a hoot talking to you tonite
JungleJess: Funny how happy I was at the start
MIKE: watch out for snakes
JungleJess: is that a threat, or are you offering?
MIKE: it's a quote
MIKE: drink some wine
MIKE: ans get some sleep
JungleJess: I'm exhausted
MIKE: your stressing me out
JungleJess: oh, I'm sorry
MIKE: talk to you later
*sigh* I don't even know what to think about this. I could use advise on what to do next. Do I forget this and try again? Or have I tried enough? I think my plan is to maintain friends, but not hang out with him anymore. I think I might hold off until next year to start school, I think I might make Joel give me a serious answer on moving to Virginia, and if the answer's no, then run away from my problems again. Maybe go back to the west side. Though I know I will never be truly happy without someone who loves me, appreciates me, and understands me. Joel is the only one I've found and I want to be with him. He brings out the best in me. Congratulations, Mike, tied with my mother, you bring out the worse.