victory

(no subject)

I've just discovered something new about myself by pointing out this trait in a friend I spoke with this evening. I was put off by this person's notion that he could be annoyed at others for doing the exact same thing he does. I was put off at his accusation of me being messy when he himself is the biggest slob I've met. I was put off that he felt his acknowledgment of his own faults made him somehow better than me, that because he KNEW he was messy, he was somehow less at fault than me for being messy. I am put off that I do the same thing. That I feel, because I can point out my fault, I'm somehow better than someone else with the same bad habit, merely because I'm aware I have a bad habit. It doesn't make me better, in fact, it makes me worse. Worse because I know have the problem, but I'm too damn lazy to fix it. Shame on me.
  • Current Music
    appleseed cast
stealing daffodils 1

Carrboro North Carolina

I went to see Appleseed Cast last night at GO! in Carborro, NC. It was totally awesome. They were in this little bar that remdinded me of Zootz but even smaller. There were, maybe, 40 people there. It was sweet. Today I had my second Interview at PS, I am now 99.9999% sure I have the job there. I am quite excited. I took the position with Pac Sun too just in case, but I won't be sad if I have to leave them after a week. I am going to VaBeach this weekend for my niece's birthday and I'm heading back to Maine on the 26th to spend thanksgiving with my fam. Things are looking up.
  • Current Music
    ween
framed in sticks

days go by

I'm in Lynchburg Virginia now. I have been here since Halloween. I surprised Joel by just showing up to his house party. The house is beautiful, it's huge and old. I've had moments of homesickness but they usually pass. I've transfered to the BN down here but they aren't able to give me any hours. I am in pursuit of another job but no luck yet. I'm feeling lonely. Joel can alleviate some of this lonliness, his roomies alleviate a little more, but there is something missing. I need friends. My own friends. Not Joel's friends. Vinnie is dating a girl who seems really cool. The danger of making her a friend is losing her when Vinnie stops seeing her. Also having her as a friend would put stress on the relationship I have with Vinnie. Maybe when I start working I will make some friends. I will try to post more frequently now. Some company is here. Adios.
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DON'T BE HELD CAPTIVE BY CHAINS OF STRAW

I've realized that the things that I'm allowing to be held back by are things that are very easily broken. I'm staying because I love Candice and I'll miss her. Well, Candice has a boyfriend who keeps her pretty busy most of the time, and it seems whenever I need her she's not readily available to me. I'm staying because I love Mike and I'll miss him. I might also have some twinge of emotion that's been recycled from 2 years ago. This is a hopeless relationship and I need to remind myself that. I love Joel, Joel loves me, other than abandon me he's never done anything more than that to hurt me. Mike not only abandoned me, several times, but he's also said cruel things to me. Plus I know that Mike and I would make each other miserable more often than we'd make each other happy. I think it would make Mike happy to be in a relationship with me, and I desperately want to make my friends happy, no matter what it takes, but I can't allow myself to sacrifice my heart. I can't stay in Maine for Candice or Mike because as people grow up it's natural to leave your friends for a lover. Same goes for my family, you can't marry your family, eventually you have to leave the nest. It's silly to stay in Maine for my job, it's not a career, and besides, there is a BN down in Lynchburg. I am staying because of my kind hand to FLO but that's silly too, I've already set up the necessary contacts, when they ship me the albums my sister can distribute them for me. Financially I'm always struggling, so what's the difference if I'm here or there. Sure rent will be a pain in the ass, but I'm on the verge of moving out of here anyway and rent would be worse in this area than there. So with that said, I'm leaving on the first of November. I'm sorry to all those I lead to believe I would be sticking around. I guess I was wrong.
  • Current Music
    massive attack
framed in sticks

I'll dislike you first

I chatted with Paul earlier tonight, after we had hung out for 5 hours. In our conversation he asked me if I were looking for a reason to despise him. I think he was just joking, but I thought about it seriously and determined that yes, indeed, I was looking for reasons not to be friends with him. He asked me Why and I didn't have an answer. I joked that I had to make things up because I couldn't find a real reason not to like him, which is true, but after thinking about it for the last little while I've come to a more accurate conclusion. I want to find a reason not to like him before he finds one of many reasons not to like me. Crafty, aren't I? Stupid too. It's my defense mechanism.

He mentioned that he kept a livejournal, too. I just went and checked it out. He likes to make a list of things he desires in a girl. I am the antithesis. Lucky me. Hopefully those are only things he desires in a mate and he'll be a little more lenient with his friends. If not, well.... tonight was fun.
  • Current Music
    Baxter
framed in sticks

Driving A Hundred Miles An Hour With No Brakes

This was the worse year at the Fryeburg fair ever. I didn't exactly want to kill myself, but there were times when I hoped for a coma. I did get to spend a good amount of time with my mom, that was nice, although I'm trying to ween her off of me and bonding time works against that. I spent too much money at the fair on stupid junk that I don't need. Ahh well. Frivolous spending makes up for the lack of everything else in my life. I worked the fair again this year. It blew. A perverted 69 year old man informed me that he got a hard-on while having a dream about me. This was my boss for the week. I realize that must be quite an accomplishment at his age, without the aid of viagra that is, but I'm not interested in hearing him brag. I told my dad about it, the way he handled the situation really impressed me. I was proud of my dad. I got a palm reading while I was at the fair. She told me a lot of things about my past and present that were correct and true only to me. She said that I was moving, that it would be good for me, but that I might not stay. She said the next 3 years of my life would be good ones.

I saw Mike yesterday for the first time since last weekend. Last weekend we went to Springfield Mass for SKOOL'D at the Asylum. It was my first time back at that venue for a party in 2 years. I saw Amanda there which was quite a surprise. I also saw Chris, which was a surprise too. And I saw IanEntropy, which was a surprise as well. And even more surprising, Ian came up to me and gave me a big hug. And what was more surprising than that, I kinda liked it. I didn't dislike him for that moment. And, in fact, I think I might still kind of like him. I have forgiven worse people for doing worse things. I will consider Ian a friend again. I wasn't well behaved at that party, though. I need to settle down. I'm too old for kids' games.

I feel myself getting too close to Mike. I need to keep him at arms length for a while. I'm afraid he might be feeling the same way. Us spending too much time together might be dangerous. I don't think our friendship can stand another battle. We are going to go see a movie tomorrow, I think. I ran into Brad today while in Portland and he invited us to come to his place so that he and Mike can spin records. I'm not sure which Mike would rather do.

I had to go pick up my laptop from ValCom today. I feel so dicked up the ass by them. I gave them 75 bucks to turn around and tell me that my computer was broken. I busted into tears in their office. Brad said I should go back and make them refund my money. I hate to cause a scene, but if I got the money back I would give it to Brad to recover the data for me. I should have thought of doing that in the beginning. Dumb Me.

I was randomly messaged last night by a boy who found me on MakeOutClub. He seemed more than interesting online and I thought he would be worth meeting in person. Luck would have it that I was planning a trip to Portland today anyway so we made a plan to meet at BullMoose. I was surprised at how nervous I was when I first met him, I guess it's because it's been so long since I've met anyone off the internet. Or met anyone knew at all, for that matter. I gave him an opportunity to bolt right away, but he stuck around. We went down to a beach for a while and walked my dog. When we came back I gave him another opportunity to bolt, but he didn't. I had so much fun just spending time with him. It was nice to just chat about life in general and not anything specifically. It was especially nice to not have to talk or think about moving. He's smart, funny, cute, considerate... I am actually anxious to hang out with him again. I know I have too many things going on in my life to be making new friends, but tonight really helped me. It didn't point me towards which path I should take or anything, but it helped me lighten up. I don't feel so confused and overwhelmed. I feel challenged all the same, but things don't seem quite so serious. Thanks Paul.

Candice hasn't called me for a while. I'm concerned. I left her a demanding message on the machine today. I hope it convinces her to call me soon. I've missed her.

Time for some rest.
  • Current Music
    Badly Drawn Boy
stealing daffodils 1

Charles In Charge

Actually I've never felt more in charge of my life than I have for the last few days. I took my dreadlocks out, and although I miss them, I am so happy to have my hair back. I just wasn't feeling pretty with them anymore. I was getting ready to go to Philly with Mike and I still had my hair up in a towel. I looked in the mirror and thought that I looked really nice. When I took my hair out of the towel I looked in the mirror again and was shocked at how much my appearance changed. At that moment I realized that my dreads had to go. I am feeling better about moving to Lynchburg, I think I am going to head down shortly after my birthday. I have sent my resumé to a few places in the area and I've talked with the admissions officer at Lynchburg college about enrolling for a few spring courses. I got to hang out with Candice on Saturday by good fortune. My mom told me that she was planning on hitting Denny's so I went over on a whim. Luckily I caught her just before she left and we hung out in the parking lot for a long time chatting. On Sunday she went apple picking with the whole family. We spent the rest of the night just wasting time enjoying each other's company. I got to run craft time at work today. It was so much fun! I also got a review from my boss and she gave me a raise. I accidently fell asleep around 7pm last night and unfortunately woke up around 1am. I'm in the process of trying to fall back asleep. Tomorrow I am going to buy my dashboard ticket. I invited Mike's roomie, Craig, to go along with me and he accepted. I was actually a little shocked. I had a nightmare earlier that my headlights were so dim that I couldn't see the road and because of that I drove off of the Bath bridge, I think it's time to fix my car, it's causing anxiety. I'm going to meet Candice at her work tomororw, I'm so happy about all this time I'm getting to spend with her! I don't know what I will do in Virginia without her. No one can ever replace my girlfriend.
  • Current Music
    jets to brazil
hidden

one memory overshadowed by another

It seems like I can't dwell on one happy event in my life without another one being crammed down my throat. I'm not complaining about the things I do, I just wish things were spaced out a little. I just get back from Burning Man and I'm forced to think about moving to Virginia. Putting any thought into my decision is difficult with the Fryeburg Fair in a week. Not putting in my notice nows makes me a big pain in the ass later but putting in my notice now means I'm committed. I can't pack for the move until after the fair and I don't even know what I want to bring. It would be most convenient to take everything now and send the rest down with my family in October, but I don't even know if I want to stay there. I called Joel up crying the other night, I'm sad about leaving my family, sad about leaving Candice and Mike. If I don't go to Virginia I feel like I should just throw in the towel on my relationship with Joel, but the thought of that makes me really sad too. I love Joel... I just don't want to live in Lynchburg. I definitely don't want to live there for a year!! Grrr! I just got back from New Jersey yesterday. I went down with Mike to see the premiere of Dead Within directed by Kent Greene. It was really good. On Sunday Mike and I met Jeremy, Andrea, Kent, and Allison in Philly. We got lunch and shopped a bit on south street. I got to meet the rest of Mike's family (mom, step-dad, younger step-bro, sis in law, and niece/nephew). I really enjoyed myself, all but a tiff Mike and I had on the way down. He needs to learn to control his temper. I nearly moved to Philly last fall, I'm considering a move their if things don't work out in Virginia. Or maybe I'll flee the country. Or maybe I will find contentment in Maine. Or maybe.....
  • Current Music
    feeling left out
framed in sticks

dust storms in my head

I'm not even on the playa yet but I'm already experiencing horrible dust storms. They are taking place in my head causing me to not see things clearly and not think clearly. There is so much to be done and the time is slipping away like grains of dust in an hour glass. I walked out of on in tears the other day and I informed them that I would not be coming back. I don't feel as liberated as I thought I would but I am happy I'm our of there. BN is giving me more hours, I love them. I've been cooking up possible dishes for the desert all week. I've come up with a few good recipes. I'm still on the hunt for a few more things. I thought yesterday was Joel's birthday and I called him and sang to him. His birthday is not until the 20th. I've managed to do this to all three of the people who are closest to me. I missed candice's birthday and sang to her late, I freaked out thinking I had missed Mike's birthday when his isn't until the 21st and the last straw is missing my life mate's birthday. I'm so dumb somtimes. I think what I need for my birthday is a calendar. :-D On the way home from work tonight I drove past a flaming log in the middle of the road. I think it's a premonition that burning is inevitably in my future. Oh yes. :-)